So let's just get all the chips on the table. I am manic depressive and well on my way to being bi polar. Right now I am having a major mental crisis. I don't know who I am. I was this one crazy person when I was with Michael (my daughters father), and now with Awesome Guy I feel lke I am this completely different person. I did some crazy stuff when I was with Michael, I was mean and hurtful, and cut him with my words. I got physical and I turned into this completely scary monstrous version of myself. I am not saying the good times weren't good, they were just surpassed by how bad the bad times were.
With Awesome Guy I am sweet, and smart, and funny, and I usually only have nice things to say. I am terrified of how fast I can change. I know it has something to do with my meds. It's like when I take them I have horribly strange dreams, and I reason better, and I really am a better version of myself. The problem is that I honestly want to feel my own emotions. So I don't take them so often. But when I go even 2 days without them I turn into a very scary version of myself. I don't get so aggressive now, I just get very, very low, and depressed.
I don't even really know what I want or how to figure it out. I want Awesome Guy to know who I really am, and he says he does... but I really don't feel like he does. It's like he doesn't get it. I want to tell him about all the places I have been. I am this straightedge, single mom now.... but I haven't always been her. I have had a meaningful, yet short relationship with a guy that we both knew would be a dead end, but I just felt like I needed to get out there and sleep with someone right from the jump. So I did. And that ended quickly. I had a 5 year relationship with the guy that I just knew I would marry... guess not.
Truth is, I really have been this happy before. I was for a couple years, but then we had a baby, and we moved in together, and it all sort of fell apart. Now the feelings and memories I had, I wonder if they were really ever real. I think they were, if not... I fought long and hard for something that was never even achievable. Which is yet another horrible feeling.
I just had a talk with Awesome Guy about how I feel like one person around him, and this completely different person around everyone else. He said that he doesn't know who he is either. I want him to know who I am, which is impossible without him literally being in my brain and accessing every memory or thought I ever had. I don't even think I know how to be normal. UGH!
With Awesome Guy I am sweet, and smart, and funny, and I usually only have nice things to say. I am terrified of how fast I can change. I know it has something to do with my meds. It's like when I take them I have horribly strange dreams, and I reason better, and I really am a better version of myself. The problem is that I honestly want to feel my own emotions. So I don't take them so often. But when I go even 2 days without them I turn into a very scary version of myself. I don't get so aggressive now, I just get very, very low, and depressed.
I don't even really know what I want or how to figure it out. I want Awesome Guy to know who I really am, and he says he does... but I really don't feel like he does. It's like he doesn't get it. I want to tell him about all the places I have been. I am this straightedge, single mom now.... but I haven't always been her. I have had a meaningful, yet short relationship with a guy that we both knew would be a dead end, but I just felt like I needed to get out there and sleep with someone right from the jump. So I did. And that ended quickly. I had a 5 year relationship with the guy that I just knew I would marry... guess not.
Truth is, I really have been this happy before. I was for a couple years, but then we had a baby, and we moved in together, and it all sort of fell apart. Now the feelings and memories I had, I wonder if they were really ever real. I think they were, if not... I fought long and hard for something that was never even achievable. Which is yet another horrible feeling.
I just had a talk with Awesome Guy about how I feel like one person around him, and this completely different person around everyone else. He said that he doesn't know who he is either. I want him to know who I am, which is impossible without him literally being in my brain and accessing every memory or thought I ever had. I don't even think I know how to be normal. UGH!
It sounds like you may need to see about getting your percription tweaked. Be safe.
ReplyDeletebless your heart! have faith and hang in there. get the help you need.
ReplyDeletecheers from a first time visitor,
rachel
www.upperbottom.com
thanks for visiting upper bottom! hope u like my blog
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