Weddings

          So you know when they say when you meet the right person, you will just know? Well I know. I love Amazing Guy and I am positive that he is the man that I will marry. He treats me better than I ever imagined someone could treat me. We actually have healthy arguments, instead of knock out drag out fights. He won't tell me that he loves me because he is too nervous that he will say it and not mean it, but I know he does. If you could see the way he looks at me, and the way he holds me, you would be positive, too.

          I tell him all the time, "You know, I'm gonna marry you, right?." But the funny thing is, this song by Colbie Callait always comes on when we are together. It's called "I Do",  and I listen to the radio all day and never hear it. Also, this time of year is when all the wedding conventions are... so all day I hear wedding convention commercials and jewelry store commercials and it's just hilarious to me.

          But he says he wants to date someone for a year, and have a year long engagement, which all sounded great to me. I am now thinking I am not so excited about this. I mean' I don't want to marry him right now... but I don't exactly want to get married right now, but I don't really know if I want to wait 22 more months. I can see why a year long engagement makes sense, it takes FOREVER to plan out a wedding, at least it would for someone as meticulous as I am. I think when you are absolutely certain that you want to marry someone and you are fairly sure that they will say yes when you bring out that pretty little ring, then you should do it.

          I tell him that I love him all the time because I never want people guessing how I feel about them, you never know when you're gonna go... I would hate for someone I loved not to know it if I died tomorrow. But it's adorable because we catch ourselves planning out what we want our wedding to be like and he seriously asked me the other day where I would want to take our honeymoon. Also, he told me that the engagement ring he gives the girl he will marry (i.e. me), will be his mother's engagement ring... but he told me I could pick out my wedding band. Well yesterday a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to run a couple errands with her and help her have a yard sale. I agreed, but the first errand we ran was going to the jewelry store to have a ring her mother gave her re sized. I was looking around and noticed this pretty wedding band that had a diamond every quarter inch or so. I jokingly sent him a picture of it and said, "I found my wedding band!" I thought he would freak out a bit, but instead he was trying to figure out which ring in the picture it was. I had to explain that I was kidding (well... mostly kidding) but later that night he asked me what jewelery store it was that I saw it. I secretly did my happy dance in my head...

Humpty Dumpty Had A Great Fall

         So, sorry I havent been on in a while, life has been wild. I work constantly. And I am completely crazy about my boyfriend so I spend every extra second I have with him. but the other day I fell down the stairs carrying my daughter to bed and landed on her head. I was so scared and nervous that I didnt even realize how bad I knocked up my body. But I would like to take a minute to brag about my amazing boyfriend.

         I was hanging out with one of my friends and decided that my daughter was really fussy and should go to bed. I got her ready to go to sleep and we headed downstairs. Then I slipped about 2 steps down and fell/rolled all the way down and over the side and landed on my baby's head. I just started screaming for my friend to call the hospital. Then I remembered that I had let the babysitter keep the car seat. I called my boyfriend and asked (well begged) that he bring one of his sister's kid's car seats. He didnt know what was going on but he did. My neighbors came over and checked her out, told me what signs to look for as far as concussions and broken bones, and tried to help calm her down. She didnt until we were at the hospital.
Amazing Guy had to take the kids back home, but came immediately back.

          He stayed at the hospital from about almost 9 until about 3 am. He took great care of me. On the way back to the room we were going to be in, he told me that I should tell them he is my husband or fiance or something so they will let him stay with me and Audrey. When I had to put the hospital gown on, he didn't look. He is so  amazing and treats me with respect. I haven't had someone that respected my body in a very long time.

          They wanted to get some X-Rays and a CT scan of Audrey's head. When they finally came for us, they wanted us to both do it at the same time so they said "Dad, or boyfriend, or whoever you are, we would like you to take the baby for her scan." Neither of us tried to correct the nurse. (To be honest, I sometimes wish Amazing Guy was Audrey's dad. Not that her dad doesn't love her more than anything, but Amazing Guy has more time for her and he is responsible, and caring, and loves her... all the things you want in a baby daddy, just sayin) So he took her to get the scan and when I got back from my million X-Rays they were there waiting for me and I was greeted with a kiss from my man and my baby in my arms.

         So we went back to the room and waited for our results and Amazing Guy kept the baby awake (because we still didn't know if she had a concussion) because she was on my stomach and I couldn't see around to make sure she wasn't sleeping. I decided that I am absolutely in love with him and I will marry him. Seriously guys, I can't let go of him. You can't have him, I feel like I finally get to be treated well. I stil don't think I deserve someone THIS awesome. But he says he doesn't know why I like him this much.

Being a mom rocks!

      So today A and I were taking a bath (yes, I still take a bath with my daughter, I think it is a great opportunity to play with tub toys, plus we both get clean so I don't have to kneel over the side of a tub in a rain poncho, and she doesn't have to sit in a shower getting pelted in the face every time she wants to look up and talk to me) and I'm pretty sure my plans of raising a mini rock star are coming true! She asked me to make a shampoo mohawk and kept trying to make peace signs and give me the rock horns \m/

      Also at her last birthday she wore a tutu, most were thinking "princess-ballerina-sparklebutt" but I knew she was thinking "Man, if mom had only put me in a pair of fishnets and some awesome baby combat boots, I could totally rock this tutu..." 

      I keep thinking about how awesome my baby is. She is completely a braniac-genious! She sings anything you could think of, she has FULL BLOWN conversations, and knows the quadratic equation by heart.... ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating that last part a tiny bit... Anyway, I have the best baddest kid in the world, at least in MY opinion...

I don't know who I am...

So let's just get all the chips on the table. I am manic depressive and well on my way to being bi polar. Right now I am having a major mental crisis. I don't know who I am. I was this one crazy person when I was with Michael (my daughters father), and now with Awesome Guy I feel lke I am this completely different person. I did some crazy stuff when I was with Michael, I was mean and hurtful, and cut him with my words. I got physical and I turned into this completely scary monstrous version of myself. I am not saying the good times weren't good, they were just surpassed by how bad the bad times were.

With Awesome Guy I am sweet, and smart, and funny, and I usually only have nice things to say. I am terrified of how fast I can change. I know it has something to do with my meds. It's like when I take them I have horribly strange dreams, and I reason better, and I really am a better version of myself. The problem is that I honestly want to feel my own emotions. So I don't take them so often. But when I go even 2 days without them I turn into a very scary version of myself. I don't get so aggressive now, I just get very, very low, and depressed.

I don't even really know what I want or how to figure it out. I want Awesome Guy to know who I really am, and he says he does... but I really don't feel like he does. It's like he doesn't get it. I want to tell him about all the places I have been. I am this straightedge, single mom now.... but I haven't always been her. I have had a meaningful, yet short relationship with a guy that we both knew would be a dead end, but I just felt like I needed to get out there and sleep with someone right from the jump. So I did. And that ended quickly. I had a 5 year relationship with the guy that I just knew I would marry... guess not.

Truth is, I really have been this happy before. I was for a couple years, but then we had a baby, and we moved in together, and it all sort of fell apart. Now the feelings and memories I had, I wonder if they were really ever real. I think they were, if not... I fought long and hard for something that was never even achievable. Which is yet another horrible feeling.

I just had a talk with Awesome Guy about how I feel like one person around him, and this completely different person around everyone else. He said that he doesn't know who he is either. I want him to know who I am, which is impossible without him literally being in my brain and accessing every memory or thought I ever had. I don't even think I know how to be normal. UGH!

Hello hello again!

Hey guys!
so I know my posting has seriously slowed down, but I have been very, very busy! My best friend and I are trying to rent a house so we can raise our two b-e-a-utiful children together. There probably isn't anything cooler than 2 awesome moms and their awesome kids in one house. We think we may have found one, but I'm afraid that it is going to be a horrible idea. It's sooo far away from where I'm from, and essentially it means moving back to where my daughter's father lives... ugh! but the house is GORGEOUS! I mean seriously, the backsplash in the kitchen has glass tiling, and the bathroom is this pretty grey-ish blue. The outside of the house looks horrible, but the inside really is perfect for what we need. Awesome guy is really upset because I see him an average of twice a day. sometimes more... sometimes less... but if I move out that way I probably won't even see him every day. We would make it work...


The next reason I haven't been around much is because I have been spending as much time as possible with Awesome Guy. I told him that I love him, but he isn't ready yet. That's cool. I'll wait, cause I know he does, and eventually he will get up the courage to say it out loud. We have talked about the fact that I am not going to have sex before I'm married, which in true Awesome Guy nature... he completely agreed! AWESOME!  He seriously has my heart and I can't wait to see where this all goes... He loves my daughter, he likes my friends, he can even stand my family. If you knew the guys I dated before, none of them could stand my mom or brother, they usually got frustrated with how much time I spend with my friends, and I didn't have a daughter before Awesome Guy... so I'm pretty sure anyone would like her (she's adorable!), but loving someone else's kid is a whole other story.

Welp, I am sorry to say this but I'm pretty much praying that the lady doesn't want us as tenants because, as much as I like this house... I think it is waaay too far from school and work for me. I'll talk to yall later! COMMENT ON THIS!!!! I want to know what you think!

Gotta love some benjamin...

Ben just left... We were just laying in eachothers arms... It was pretty beautiful... And i made some awesome mesaluna ravioli with a lemon, garlic, cream sauce