Being a mom rocks!

      So today A and I were taking a bath (yes, I still take a bath with my daughter, I think it is a great opportunity to play with tub toys, plus we both get clean so I don't have to kneel over the side of a tub in a rain poncho, and she doesn't have to sit in a shower getting pelted in the face every time she wants to look up and talk to me) and I'm pretty sure my plans of raising a mini rock star are coming true! She asked me to make a shampoo mohawk and kept trying to make peace signs and give me the rock horns \m/

      Also at her last birthday she wore a tutu, most were thinking "princess-ballerina-sparklebutt" but I knew she was thinking "Man, if mom had only put me in a pair of fishnets and some awesome baby combat boots, I could totally rock this tutu..." 

      I keep thinking about how awesome my baby is. She is completely a braniac-genious! She sings anything you could think of, she has FULL BLOWN conversations, and knows the quadratic equation by heart.... ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating that last part a tiny bit... Anyway, I have the best baddest kid in the world, at least in MY opinion...

I don't know who I am...

So let's just get all the chips on the table. I am manic depressive and well on my way to being bi polar. Right now I am having a major mental crisis. I don't know who I am. I was this one crazy person when I was with Michael (my daughters father), and now with Awesome Guy I feel lke I am this completely different person. I did some crazy stuff when I was with Michael, I was mean and hurtful, and cut him with my words. I got physical and I turned into this completely scary monstrous version of myself. I am not saying the good times weren't good, they were just surpassed by how bad the bad times were.

With Awesome Guy I am sweet, and smart, and funny, and I usually only have nice things to say. I am terrified of how fast I can change. I know it has something to do with my meds. It's like when I take them I have horribly strange dreams, and I reason better, and I really am a better version of myself. The problem is that I honestly want to feel my own emotions. So I don't take them so often. But when I go even 2 days without them I turn into a very scary version of myself. I don't get so aggressive now, I just get very, very low, and depressed.

I don't even really know what I want or how to figure it out. I want Awesome Guy to know who I really am, and he says he does... but I really don't feel like he does. It's like he doesn't get it. I want to tell him about all the places I have been. I am this straightedge, single mom now.... but I haven't always been her. I have had a meaningful, yet short relationship with a guy that we both knew would be a dead end, but I just felt like I needed to get out there and sleep with someone right from the jump. So I did. And that ended quickly. I had a 5 year relationship with the guy that I just knew I would marry... guess not.

Truth is, I really have been this happy before. I was for a couple years, but then we had a baby, and we moved in together, and it all sort of fell apart. Now the feelings and memories I had, I wonder if they were really ever real. I think they were, if not... I fought long and hard for something that was never even achievable. Which is yet another horrible feeling.

I just had a talk with Awesome Guy about how I feel like one person around him, and this completely different person around everyone else. He said that he doesn't know who he is either. I want him to know who I am, which is impossible without him literally being in my brain and accessing every memory or thought I ever had. I don't even think I know how to be normal. UGH!

Hello hello again!

Hey guys!
so I know my posting has seriously slowed down, but I have been very, very busy! My best friend and I are trying to rent a house so we can raise our two b-e-a-utiful children together. There probably isn't anything cooler than 2 awesome moms and their awesome kids in one house. We think we may have found one, but I'm afraid that it is going to be a horrible idea. It's sooo far away from where I'm from, and essentially it means moving back to where my daughter's father lives... ugh! but the house is GORGEOUS! I mean seriously, the backsplash in the kitchen has glass tiling, and the bathroom is this pretty grey-ish blue. The outside of the house looks horrible, but the inside really is perfect for what we need. Awesome guy is really upset because I see him an average of twice a day. sometimes more... sometimes less... but if I move out that way I probably won't even see him every day. We would make it work...


The next reason I haven't been around much is because I have been spending as much time as possible with Awesome Guy. I told him that I love him, but he isn't ready yet. That's cool. I'll wait, cause I know he does, and eventually he will get up the courage to say it out loud. We have talked about the fact that I am not going to have sex before I'm married, which in true Awesome Guy nature... he completely agreed! AWESOME!  He seriously has my heart and I can't wait to see where this all goes... He loves my daughter, he likes my friends, he can even stand my family. If you knew the guys I dated before, none of them could stand my mom or brother, they usually got frustrated with how much time I spend with my friends, and I didn't have a daughter before Awesome Guy... so I'm pretty sure anyone would like her (she's adorable!), but loving someone else's kid is a whole other story.

Welp, I am sorry to say this but I'm pretty much praying that the lady doesn't want us as tenants because, as much as I like this house... I think it is waaay too far from school and work for me. I'll talk to yall later! COMMENT ON THIS!!!! I want to know what you think!

Gotta love some benjamin...

Ben just left... We were just laying in eachothers arms... It was pretty beautiful... And i made some awesome mesaluna ravioli with a lemon, garlic, cream sauce

He is heeeeeere

So much has gone on...

Oh guys!!!
So much has gone on. First, Michael has decided he doesnt really want a family, at least not with me. I usually would have begged him to come back, but I realized that I am over all this drama. So I immediately grabbed up my bestie and we went out dancing. I was supposed to meet this awesome guy for a drink, but it took us so long to get out that he didn't really have time. (More about Awesome Guy soon, as in... in this post)

So me and Chelle danced our faces off and I ran into some of my friends from high school and college, and had a blast. After the clubs, we went to a hotel my friend had rented for the night, and we watched some TV and just talked. Then Chelle and I went to McD's for some delicious after party food. All in all, it was a great night.

Back to Awesome Guy... we met when I was working at Pizza Hut about 3 years ago and he asked me for my number. I gave it to him because it seemed to take a lot of courage to ask. When I returned his call, I explained that I was in a deeply committed relationship and that I thought he was really brave, but I wanted to be friends. He was completely cool with that, so I knew he respected my relationship (i.e. Michael).

Flash forward 3 years, I got knocked on my ass by Baby Daddy and there was Awesome Guy! He took me on my first official date... well "not" date and we have seen eachother every day, except when I was in Arkansas (more to come on Arkansas... dif post), and even then we texted from when we woke up until we went to bed.

Last night he KISSED me!!!!! it was amazing, I'll spare you the gory details, but I def couldn't stop smiling. Actually, I'm smiling now!

More posts on Amazing Guy coming soon... I hope!