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Monday, April 18, 2011

Being a mom rocks!

      So today A and I were taking a bath (yes, I still take a bath with my daughter, I think it is a great opportunity to play with tub toys, plus we both get clean so I don't have to kneel over the side of a tub in a rain poncho, and she doesn't have to sit in a shower getting pelted in the face every time she wants to look up and talk to me) and I'm pretty sure my plans of raising a mini rock star are coming true! She asked me to make a shampoo mohawk and kept trying to make peace signs and give me the rock horns \m/

      Also at her last birthday she wore a tutu, most were thinking "princess-ballerina-sparklebutt" but I knew she was thinking "Man, if mom had only put me in a pair of fishnets and some awesome baby combat boots, I could totally rock this tutu..." 

      I keep thinking about how awesome my baby is. She is completely a braniac-genious! She sings anything you could think of, she has FULL BLOWN conversations, and knows the quadratic equation by heart.... ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating that last part a tiny bit... Anyway, I have the best baddest kid in the world, at least in MY opinion...

Friday, April 15, 2011

I don't know who I am...

So let's just get all the chips on the table. I am manic depressive and well on my way to being bi polar. Right now I am having a major mental crisis. I don't know who I am. I was this one crazy person when I was with Michael (my daughters father), and now with Awesome Guy I feel lke I am this completely different person. I did some crazy stuff when I was with Michael, I was mean and hurtful, and cut him with my words. I got physical and I turned into this completely scary monstrous version of myself. I am not saying the good times weren't good, they were just surpassed by how bad the bad times were.

With Awesome Guy I am sweet, and smart, and funny, and I usually only have nice things to say. I am terrified of how fast I can change. I know it has something to do with my meds. It's like when I take them I have horribly strange dreams, and I reason better, and I really am a better version of myself. The problem is that I honestly want to feel my own emotions. So I don't take them so often. But when I go even 2 days without them I turn into a very scary version of myself. I don't get so aggressive now, I just get very, very low, and depressed.

I don't even really know what I want or how to figure it out. I want Awesome Guy to know who I really am, and he says he does... but I really don't feel like he does. It's like he doesn't get it. I want to tell him about all the places I have been. I am this straightedge, single mom now.... but I haven't always been her. I have had a meaningful, yet short relationship with a guy that we both knew would be a dead end, but I just felt like I needed to get out there and sleep with someone right from the jump. So I did. And that ended quickly. I had a 5 year relationship with the guy that I just knew I would marry... guess not.

Truth is, I really have been this happy before. I was for a couple years, but then we had a baby, and we moved in together, and it all sort of fell apart. Now the feelings and memories I had, I wonder if they were really ever real. I think they were, if not... I fought long and hard for something that was never even achievable. Which is yet another horrible feeling.

I just had a talk with Awesome Guy about how I feel like one person around him, and this completely different person around everyone else. He said that he doesn't know who he is either. I want him to know who I am, which is impossible without him literally being in my brain and accessing every memory or thought I ever had. I don't even think I know how to be normal. UGH!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hello hello again!

Hey guys!
so I know my posting has seriously slowed down, but I have been very, very busy! My best friend and I are trying to rent a house so we can raise our two b-e-a-utiful children together. There probably isn't anything cooler than 2 awesome moms and their awesome kids in one house. We think we may have found one, but I'm afraid that it is going to be a horrible idea. It's sooo far away from where I'm from, and essentially it means moving back to where my daughter's father lives... ugh! but the house is GORGEOUS! I mean seriously, the backsplash in the kitchen has glass tiling, and the bathroom is this pretty grey-ish blue. The outside of the house looks horrible, but the inside really is perfect for what we need. Awesome guy is really upset because I see him an average of twice a day. sometimes more... sometimes less... but if I move out that way I probably won't even see him every day. We would make it work...

The next reason I haven't been around much is because I have been spending as much time as possible with Awesome Guy. I told him that I love him, but he isn't ready yet. That's cool. I'll wait, cause I know he does, and eventually he will get up the courage to say it out loud. We have talked about the fact that I am not going to have sex before I'm married, which in true Awesome Guy nature... he completely agreed! AWESOME!  He seriously has my heart and I can't wait to see where this all goes... He loves my daughter, he likes my friends, he can even stand my family. If you knew the guys I dated before, none of them could stand my mom or brother, they usually got frustrated with how much time I spend with my friends, and I didn't have a daughter before Awesome Guy... so I'm pretty sure anyone would like her (she's adorable!), but loving someone else's kid is a whole other story.

Welp, I am sorry to say this but I'm pretty much praying that the lady doesn't want us as tenants because, as much as I like this house... I think it is waaay too far from school and work for me. I'll talk to yall later! COMMENT ON THIS!!!! I want to know what you think!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gotta love some benjamin...
Ben just left... We were just laying in eachothers arms... It was pretty beautiful... And i made some awesome mesaluna ravioli with a lemon, garlic, cream sauce